E19: I don’t recognize myself anymore
A man mourning the death of his wife yearns to be the person he used to be while also struggling with who loss is forcing him to become.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
It's been three months since my wife passed, and every time I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the person staring back at me. The loss of her has shattered my sense of self, leaving me dazed and disoriented. I don't know how to navigate life without my wife by my side, and the thought of building a future without her feels impossible.
I feel like an entirely new person, but not in a good way. It's as if I've woken up with amnesia, but the only person I've forgotten is myself. I still have the same interests and hobbies, or at least I think I do, but everything feels different now.
I'm filled with this inexplicable desire to become someone else, someone shiny and new, as if shedding my old identity will somehow make the pain of her absence more bearable. But in the process of trying to reinvent myself, I've become hyper-critical of every aspect of who I am. I scrutinize my appearance, finding flaws in things as trivial as my hair or my body. It's as if I'm trying to fill the void of her absence with self-loathing and dissatisfaction, hoping that if I can't be who I used to be, then maybe I can at least be someone else entirely.
But no matter how much I try to become that new, upgraded version of myself, I still feel like an empty shell, hollowed out by grief. I wish so badly that I could just return to the person I used to be. I knew that man. His hopes, dreams, wants, preferences, and routines. But this new guy? He feels like an unwelcome stranger, an alien who’s taken up residence inside my body and home.
Please help me find a way to deal with this.
Sincerely,
Man in the Mirror
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