Why “I’m Sorry for Your Loss” Isn’t Enough—and What to Say Instead
Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.
For those of us who have experienced a devastating loss—whether by death, divorce, diagnosis, or another life-altering transition—the silence from friends and family that follows can feel overwhelming.
But perhaps equally disorienting is what does get said. Especially this: “I’m sorry for your loss.”
You’ve heard it before. You’ve probably said it. I have too.
And I want to be clear: “I’m sorry for your loss” is not a bad thing to say when someone’s is grieving or their life has been upended. But it’s also… not enough.
This blog isn’t about shaming anyone for trying to be kind or courteous. It’s about telling the truth: that after a loss, grieving people need more than a single sentence of politeness.
They need ongoing connection. They need words that go beyond those found in a sympathy card. And sometimes, the phrases we’ve been taught to use—like “I’m sorry for your loss”—become so overused, so automatic, that they stop landing the way that we, as the people trying to offer support, think they will.
Let’s talk about why.
Why We Default to Saying “I’m Sorry for Your Loss”
Most of us learned how to demonstrate or perform sympathy after a loss the same way we learned how to write a thank-you note or complete a job interview: through scripts.
And when someone we care about is grieving, one of the most socially acceptable scripts of all is: “I’m sorry for your loss.”
It shows up everywhere:
In condolence cards
In workplace emails
In text messages
In funeral services
In moments where words fail and we feel pressure to say something
It’s simple. It’s short. It’s polite. And for many people, it feels “safe”—probably because it’s nonreligious, and, in some ways, true.
The etymological origins of the word “sorry” literally mean “distressed” or “full of suffering.” So it makes sense that in using this phrase you’re trying to relay your own heartbreak to a friend, family member, coworker, or stranger who’s suffering.
Taken with its language roots in mind, “I’m sorry for your loss” is another way of saying, “I’m full of sorrow for your loss. My heart breaks with yours.”
When seen this way, the statement “I’m sorry for your loss” is meaningful, and even touching. But I think one of the problems with this phrase is that it’s become so common—and so commercialized—that when said alone, it fails to provide real comfort or compassion.
And an even sadder truth is, for many people, “I’m sorry for your loss” is all they were ever taught—or all they know—to say.
Why “I’m Sorry for Your Loss” Often Falls Flat
I want to be gentle here, because just about everyone who says “I’m sorry for your loss” has good intentions of comforting someone who’s grieving.
Here’s the thing: The issue isn’t the intention behind the phrase. It’s how it lands for your griever.
(For more on the concept of “intention vs. impact” check out this video from @TherapyJeff!)
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of dozens or even hundreds of condolences that all revolve around “I’m sorry for your loss,” you’ll understand this. After a while, this one singular phrase becomes background noise. And it starts to feel like the phrase people use when they want to check the ‘I said something’ box and then return to their normal lives.
To many grievers, it feels like a bland, obligatory statement. For others, it feels like the end of a conversation, like the period on the end of a sentence where a much deeper exchange could have happened.
Here’s an example from my own life: When my best friend died from COVID, I was inundated with a barrage of sympathy messages online and in-person. Receiving “I’m sorry for your loss” over and over again felt like the very least people could say. Tami was a vibrant activist, a close neighbor, and a decade-long friend to me. She wasn’t just “my loss;” she was a crucial part of my world that was no longer here on Earth. “Sorry for your loss” didn’t feel like nearly enough in response to her death. While I knew that people had good intentions, I wanted them to recognize in words the enormity of what and who I’d lost and validate how life-changing that season was for me.
One post I saw on the subreddit r/griefsupport read, “People who text me and say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ are pissing me off. My grandpa died 08/04/2024. We buried him and I fell gravely ill after his funeral. I don’t even know how to process anything. We lost him and my mind thinks he is still here. I spent the last year getting closure which was great. Now I’m left with so much anger. I wanna scream at every person texting me that they are sorry for my loss. They are not. I left them all on unread since the funeral. They have not reached back out. I’m just so mad at everyone pretending to care.”
Like this Reddit poster, many grievers express receiving tons of condolence messages immediately after the loss with no meaningful follow-up afterwards. This leaves them feeling abandoned at a critical time, with “Sorry for your loss” acting like a language nail in the coffin of the relationship.
Other grievers say things like, “After my divorce, it felt like everyone was reading from the same script. I wanted someone to look at me and say something that felt real.” Still other grievers recognize that phrases like “I’m sorry for your loss” are polite, but fail to acknowledge or ask how they’re doing. Sometimes, especially for younger or neurodivergent grievers, the phrase “Sorry for your loss” is confusing, because it can literally imply fault or apology. Another Reddit post I saw simply said, “What do you have to be sorry about? Did you kill the person [who died]? I feel like people just say that because they are sorry that they only have a generic response to say to the person who is struggling during a hard time.”
In other words, saying “I’m sorry for your loss” often avoids the very things grievers long for most: connection, memory, witnessing, presence, emotional validation, and continued relationship.
That doesn’t mean this phrase is inherently malicious. But it does mean we can do better as people supporting the grievers in our midst.
So What Should You Say Instead of “I’m Sorry for Your Loss”?
In my book, Of Course I’m Here Right Now, I share three powerful phrases that go deeper than “I’m sorry for your loss.” These are phrases that open doors instead of closing them—because grief isn’t something that can be wrapped up in a single sentence. It’s something that needs to be met, again and again, with curiosity, care, and presence.
The following tips are inspired by my book and are scripts you can use today:
1. Say their loved one’s name (or mention their specific loss).
There’s something sacred about hearing your person’s name after they die. It’s a reminder that they existed. That they mattered. That they still matter.
Instead of “Sorry for your loss,” try:
“I’ve been thinking so much about Teresa lately. I still remember the story you told me about her trying to grow carrots and feeding a family of bunnies instead!”
“David made such an impact on me. I’m holding his memory—and his lessons about golf—close.”
“I didn’t know your aunt, but it sounds like she was really significant in your life. I know you miss her.”
And for non-death-related losses, consider:
“I’m sorry that divorce is your reality right now. It doesn’t seem fair.”
“Living in a human body is hard. I can see how much this new diagnosis has changed your life.”
“I can see how hard you’re trying to settle into your new day-to-day. Losing a job is no joke!”
You don’t need to make it perfect. Just make it personal.
Pro tip: If you’re thinking it internally—and it’s validating, relatable, or affirming—consider saying out loud.
As author, professor, and podcaster Kate Bowler recently wrote on Threads, “‘Everything happens for a reason’ is out. ‘Wow, that’s a lot’ is in.”
Author and professor Kate Bowler’s recent Thread about speaking to someone going through a tough time | Credit: @katecbowler
2. Speak to the reality of their pain.
You don’t have to understand their grief to acknowledge that it’s painful.
Instead of a generic condolence, say something like:
“This must be so heavy for you right now.”
“I can imagine this has changed everything.”
“I’m struggling to find the words for this—but I see how much you’re carrying.”
These kinds of statements signal that you’re not just trying to get through the conversation—you’re trying to be in it. They go beyond acknowledging the loss and do the work of acknowledging your griever—the person experiencing and living in the aftermath of the loss.
3. Make it clear you’ll keep checking in beyond this moment.
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral, after the divorce is finalized, or after that initial moment when someone tells you what they’re going through. And for many grieving people, the loneliest part of life after loss comes in the weeks, months, and years after the casseroles stop arriving and people stop checking in.
That’s why this phrase matters so much: “I’m here for you. Now, and into the future.”
You could also say something like:
“I’ll keep checking in with you each Thursday, but you don’t need to respond.”
“I’d still like to get coffee once a month if that works for you. We can do the location by your house.”
“Let’s book a weekend around your mom’s death anniversary if that feels good.”
If you must say “I’m sorry,” let it be a doorway—not a period.
Try:
“I’m so sorry. Can I bring you dinner tomorrow?”
“I’m sorry for your loss. I’d love to hear your favorite story about your brother. Or I can tell you one of mine.”
“I’m sorry this has happened. How is your heart today?”
Let your words be an invitation—to talk, to share, and to stay connected. Not a closing of the door.
Closing Thoughts: Why Your Words Matter So Much After Loss
When someone is grieving, their entire world is destablized. Often, they’re clinging to whatever human connection they can find. And the words we offer—however small—can either reinforce their isolation… or keep the door open to your presence and care.
Supporting someone who’s grieving isn’t about scripts or formulas. It’s about your relationship to them. And words are one of the best ways to maintain and strengthen a relationship where one or more participants is going through grief.
You don’t have to get it exactly right. But you do have to show up with sincerity.
When you say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” it’s not the worst thing in the world. But what grieving people truly long for is something deeper. Something real. Something that reminds them that their pain is seen, their person is remembered, or that their grief is welcome within the context of your relationship.
So let’s stop treating “I’m sorry for your loss” like it’s the end of a conversation. Let’s treat it like the beginning.
P.S. Want More Tips and Scripts to Support Someone Grieving?
This blog article is part of a series on supporting the grieving people in your life—without overthinking it, freezing up, or defaulting to cliché sympathy card phrases like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If this topic was helpful to you, grab my book, Of Course I’m Here Right Now, for real-world, compassionate guidance on what to say when someone you care about is grieving.
It’s a pocket guide filled with easy scripts for comforting a grieving person, so you stop feeling afraid of saying the wrong thing and enter each conversation equipped with language that relays your presence and support—whether you’re a longtime friend of a griever, a recent acquaintance, or a person in a helping profession.
Learn more about the book and get a copy or two here.
