7 Low-Energy Ways to Ask for Help When You’re Deep in Grief
Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.
There’s a component of grief that many people don’t talk about.
It’s not just the sadness. It’s not just missing your old life or a person who died.
It’s the quiet, relentless exhaustion of living and grieving all at the same time.
This is the kind of exhaustion that makes replying to a text feel like too much. The kind that turns simple decisions like “What should I eat?,” “Should I shower?,” or “What housework needs to be done first?” into overwhelming questions. The kind that leaves you staring at your phone, wanting support from others, but having no idea how to ask for it—or not having the energy to try.
On some level, you know that having support could make a meaningful difference in your life.
Still, asking for help when you’re deep in grief can feel complicated. Maybe you don’t know what you need. Maybe you’re worried about being a burden. Maybe you’ve tried before and didn’t get the response you hoped for.
So let’s make the act of asking for help while grieving simpler—and more specific.
(Oh, and low-energy too, because you’re already doing enough!)
First: Figure Out What Kind of Help You Actually Need
Before you ask a friend, family member, coworker, or neighbor for help, there’s a simple, clarifying question worth answering:
Do I need help living… or do I need help grieving?
Because those are two very different kinds of support.
Help living is about the day-to-day logistics of being a human.
This might look like:
Cooking, cleaning, or doing laundry
Running errands
Sorting through paperwork
Making phone calls
Scheduling appointments
Completing work responsibilities
Managing childcare, pet care, or adult caregiving tasks
Help grieving is about tending to your emotional and relational world
This could look like:
Remembering and honoring your person
Being witnessed in your pain
Feeling connected instead of isolated
Making space for the reality of what’s happened
Neither type of help is more important than the other. Most people need both at different times in their lives. But when you can name which one you need in a given moment, asking for support becomes clearer and more direct.
It turns the generic, vague statement of, “I need help” into a precise statement like, “I need help getting to work while my car is in the shop for repairs” or “I need help feeling like others remember my person.”
As you read the list below, notice what type of help resonates most with you.
“Living” Asks: Getting Support for the Logistics of Daily Life
1. Ask from a Specific “Help Menu”
One of the most common statements supporters offer to grievers is: “Let me know if you need anything.” But this phrase is super ambiguous. While it may be well-meaning, it doesn’t make a specific offer of help, and it puts the burden of asking for support onto you, the griever.
And while many grievers know that they need, it can be harder to pinpoint exactly what would be helpful in the moment someone tosses that statement your way.
Creating a “help menu” bridges that gap.
Instead of trying to come up with a clear answer in real time, you can make a short, ongoing list of specific tasks people can choose from. This is a list you can add to gradually, as tasks pop into your brain. Keeping a notepad in your pocket or purse or in the Notes app on your phone is a great way to have this list with you on-the-go.
Your help menu might look like:
Call and cancel my subscription to [magazine, season tickets, family-sized meal-prep box]
Pick up groceries (I’ll send a list)
Renew my library card
Drop off a meal—no need to stay
Request a quote to repair the roof
Weed the front flower bed
Clean [loved one’s] headstone for Mother’s Day
Fold one load of laundry
Sit with me while I respond to emails
Then, when someone offers to support you, you can say: “I actually made a short list of things that would help me most right now. Would you like me to send it to you?”
This turns a vague offer of “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” into a clear yes-or-no moment. It also removes the emotional labor of figuring out exactly what you need on the spot. You’ve made a list, so you already know!
2. Ask People to Play to Their Strengths
Not everyone knows how to show up in grief—but most people want to. Sometimes they just need direction.
You can make asking for help easier by matching the request to the person.
Take a minute or two to think about the people in your life and answer:
Who is organized and detail-oriented?
Who likes being outside—for yard work, pet care, or errands?
Who doesn’t mind making phone calls?
Who enjoys cooking or cleaning?
Who is reliable with follow-through?
Who adores driving long distances?
Then ask a potential supporter accordingly: “Hey, you’re so good with logistics—would you be open to helping me schedule my trip to sort through my brother’s house this week? It’s an international flight and I bet you can help me make sure I get everything right.” or “I know you love to cook. Would you be up for dropping off a meal sometime this month? It would really mean a lot to me and the kids.”
This kind of custom-tailored asks help people feel useful instead of helpless—and increases the chances that they’ll follow through.
3. Ask for Help Getting Help
Sometimes the hardest part of getting help isn’t the task itself—it’s figuring out where to start.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by options (or facing a lack of them), you can ask someone to act as a connector.
For example, you might ask a close friend: “Could you help me find a therapist or support group?” or you might post an all-call on social media or in a group chat asking: “Would someone be willing to recommend a good lawyer for end-of-life affairs?”
Sometimes, the people around you aren’t qualified to help you in the ways you need right now. For example, you might need an HVAC technician, an after-school tutor, an accountant, or a massage therapist. But many of your friends, family, and coworkers will “know a guy” they’d happily recommend—and asking them to make a connection that is its own flavor of grief support.
This kind of ask gets you the help you need without you having to do all the heavy lifting.
Grieving Asks: Support for Your Emotional World
4. Ask for Ongoing Check-Ins
In the early days after a loss support often comes in quickly, but over time, the messages slow down. People return to their routines. Meanwhile, your grief is still very much a present, constant part of your life.
You’re allowed to ask for continued care.
You might say to a friend or family member: “Would you be open to checking in on me once a week for a while? or “It would mean a lot if you could text me on Sunday nights. That time of the week feel especially hard.”
This creates consistency—something your nervous system can begin to rely on—as well as connection with someone who cares about you.
5. Ask for Presence, Not Solutions
A lot of well-intentioned supporters default to advice or platitudes when they feel uncomfortable. Often, their reasoning is that they “don’t know what to say.” But what you might actually need is something much simpler than words: company.
You can guide them to support you by asking for their presence or a listening ear.
Try requesting: “Can you just sit with me for a bit? We don’t have to talk much. It just comforts me that you’re here.” or
“I don’t need solutions or advice right now—just someone to listen.” If you’re geographically far away from someone you’d like to support you, consider asking them to keep you company over FaceTime or a phone call. There are also free games you can play online where you can see each other and interact but where the focus of the game is solving a puzzle or achieving a goal together.
Asking for presence instead of solutions can transform the interaction from you feeling misunderstood or overloaded by cliches to feeling genuinely seen and supported in your grief. It allows you to be where you are, without managing someone else’s discomfort, awkwardness, or expectations.
6. Ask for Participation in Simple Rituals of Remembrance
Grief often carries a quiet longing: Please don’t forget about my loss.
One way to meet that longing with compassion is to invite others into small, low-pressure acts of remembrance.
These don’t have to be elaborate. They can be simple, accessible, and optional.
For instance:
“I’m having chocolate ice cream on Sunday to remember my brother—join me if you want.” (This one is inspired by Always a Sibling by Annie Sklaver Orenstein!)
“I’m lighting a candle tonight at 7pm my time. Will you do the same where you are and send me a photo?”
“I’m listening to her favorite song today and thinking of her. Will you text me the next time you hear Ariana Grande on the radio or in a store?”
You’re not asking people to show up for a memorial service or do things the way you do them. You’re simply offering them a doorway into continued connection with you. And sometimes, that shared moment—however small—can feel deeply meaningful.
7. Ask People to Educate Themselves About Grief
It can be exhausting to explain your experience with over and over. Doing the work of justifying your feelings, correcting misconceptions, and translating what grief actually feels like is a lot of work to place on a grieving brain.
If the people around you really want to help, you’re allowed to ask them to meet you halfway.
Consider inviting them to research and educate themselves about best grief support practices—as well as resource specifically related to your type of loss.
For example you might say: “I’ve been learning a lot about grief lately. Would you be open to reading or listening to something so you can better understand what this is like for me?”
You might recommend:
A book about supporting someone grieving such as my book Of Course I’m Here Right Now or There Is No Good Card for This
A podcast episode that resonated with you—many grievers share episodes of my show Grief Grower, All There Is, Terrible, Thanks for Asking, Grief Out Loud, or Good Mourning
A website like What’s Your Grief or Modern Loss
An article from a newspaper or journal
A post on social media
This isn’t about testing people or making them prove their worth as a supporter. It’s about inviting them to become more grief-literate—so they can show up in ways that actually feel helpful, not confusing or dismissive.
It’s also about taking the labor of teaching off of your shoulders so you can do the very hard work of grieving.
Tips for Asking for Help When Your Energy Is Low
Even when you know what to ask for, the how can still feel like a barrier.
Here are a few ways to make asking easier on yourself:
Use copy-and-paste messages
Write one or two simple texts and reuse them. You don’t need to craft something new every time.
Start smaller than you think you should
Asking for a quick check-in text or a single errand counts. Let people show you they can support you and then build on that rapport and connection.
Give people an easy out
A great script for doing this is: “No pressure at all if you don’t have capacity.” This reduces the emotional weight of asking.
Use a group chat or social media post when possible (and appropriate)
Share updates or requests in one place or on one platform instead of repeating yourself.
Ask on a “good” day
Good days can be hard to come by in grief, so when you have a day of slightly higher capacity or energy, use it to set up support for future you.
None of these tips is about asking for help perfectly. It’s about reducing friction—so support becomes more accessible to you.
When Asking for Help Still Feels Hard
You can have the scripts, the ideas, and even people around you who are actually willing to support you.
And asking for help can still feel hard.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Sometimes asking for help is layered with real experiences. Some of them may be rooted in your current grief experience, but they can also go further back to your childhood when you depended on others to get the help you needed to move through the world.
These might include:
You’ve asked for help before and been laughed at or let down
You’re used to being the one others rely on
You’ve been taught that having needs is cringey, burdensome, or inconvenient
You don’t fully trust that people will show up in the ways you need
Of course asking for help feels complicated.
Instead of forcing yourself to push through—especially now that grief is in the picture—you might start with something quieter. Ask yourself: What feels just barely doable?
That might be sending one text. Or saving a message draft. Or simply noticing who in your circle of friends and family feels safest to reach out to.
That counts for something too.
A Note on Getting Professional Help and Support
This article focuses on asking for help from people already in your life—friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors.
And sometimes, you need additional support.
If you’re looking for more structured or immediate help, you might explore:
Crisis Text Line (free text-based support)
The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988 in the U.S.)
Searching for a grief coach who aligns with your needs
Your local hospital, hospice, funeral home, or house of worship
These resources exist to support you—not to replace your relationships, but to expand your circle of care.
Closing Thoughts: You Deserve Help, and You Deserve the Tools You Need to Ask for It
Grief asks a lot of you—more than most people can see from the outside. And asking for help—especially when your energy is low—can feel like one more thing on an already overflowing plate.
But getting support doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
It could look like one small ask. One message. One shared task. One errand. One request for quiet presence.
Asking for help won’t change everything about your grief, but it can soften its sharp edges, even a little bit.
You deserve support as you navigate life after loss. May you have the tools and courage now to ask for it, and may your request be met with enthusiastic support.
