How to Answer “How Are You?” in Grief: 20 Truthful, Boundaried, and Protective Options
Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.
Recently, I received a thoughtful, timeless question from Claire, one of my students inside Life After Loss Academy.
It might be one of the most frequently shared dilemmas I hear from grieving people:
“Hi Shelby, I would appreciate your thoughts on something I keep encountering. When people I don’t know very well, like work colleagues, greet me, they often say, ‘How are you?’
If I was being completely true and honest to myself at the moment, I would say, ‘I’m broken, thanks. How are you?’ But I don’t want to reveal that to people I don’t know or trust. I find myself saying, ‘I’m okay thanks. How are you?’
It’s a kind of compromise where I feel I’m not completely denying myself by saying, ‘I’m fine’ when I’m not. But actually, I’m wondering if it’s okay to say ‘I’m fine’ to people who I don’t want to share myself with and still respect my grief. Kind of like protecting it, I get to choose who I reveal it to.
Even saying ‘I’m okay, thanks,’ seems to rub some people the wrong way.
I guess what I’m asking is, is it okay to outright lie to others when they ask me how I am and say, ‘Fine thanks. How are you?’ I don’t want to go there with just anyone. I often don’t want to go there with the people I DO know and trust.”
First, Claire—thank you. This is such a common-yet-significant question.
And here’s the thing: you’re not the only griever trying to navigate this strange, invisible social tightrope. You’re not alone in feeling torn between telling the truth about your grief and guarding the energy it takes to reveal it to someone else.
In fact, the question “How are you?” is one of the most frustrating and confusing parts of re-entering everyday life after a loss. It’s so small on the surface—and yet so massive in implication.
For grieving people, it can feel like standing at an invisible fork in the road every single time trying to decide:
Do I tell the truth?
Do I say what’s expected of me?
Do I protect my grief?
Do I protect the other person from my grief?
Do I even have the energy to explain what’s happening inside me right now? And then respond to how they’re going to respond to it?
So let’s break down whether it’s okay to lie about how you actually are, plus some different ways you might respond to the dreaded (but frequent) question: “How are you?”
Is It Okay to Lie and Say “I’m Fine” When You’re Not?
Short answer: yes.
Long answer: what you say is your choice—and your grief belongs to you.
After a loss, there is a massive difference between self-betrayal and self-protection.
Saying “I’m fine” to someone who hasn’t demonstrated that they are a safe place for your grief isn’t a betrayal of your heart or your loss or your loved one. It’s a boundary. One that you never have to speak out loud.
Every time someone asks “How are you?”—you’re under no obligation to hand over your pain for the sake of “being truthful.” In other words, you don’t have to be 100% honest with everyone 100% of the time. You don’t have to perform emotional transparency for the comfort (or benefit) of others. And you don’t have to decide, in the moment, whether you're “doing it right.”
Simply put: Grief is sacred, and you get to choose who you share it with.
So instead of asking “Is it okay to lie?”, let’s reframe the question: “What kind of truth do I have the energy to give right now?” And “What kind of connection do I want (or not want) with this person?”
To support you in making that choice, I’ve created a four-part spectrum of responses to “How are you?” while you’re grieving. Think of these not as scripts to memorize, but as options you can reach for depending on your context, your capacity, and the person asking the question.
Let’s begin where it feels safest to be most real:
1. Full-Truth Invitations
When you want to be open—and the person asking feels safe
These responses are honest, layered, and emotionally transparent. They signal to the other person: “Yes, I want to go there, and I’m inviting you to come with me.” Use these with people you trust deeply, or with those who are explicitly asking with care and capacity.
“I have a long, complex answer to that question. Do you have space to hear it?”
“The truth is, I’m having a [loss] day today.”
(Insert: “a dead mom day,” “a divorce day,” “a chronic illness day,” etc.)“My grief feels close to the surface today.”
“I’m a mix of tender, tired, and surprisingly okay—want to hear more?”
These responses don’t assume the other person can hold your grief—but they invite them into conversation about it, if they’re willing to go there with you.
2. Honest but Boundaried
When you want to tell the truth, but don’t want to stay there long
These scripts acknowledge your reality without requiring much conversation. They’re perfect for acquaintances, colleagues, or even friends when you don’t have the bandwidth for deeper connection.
“Not the greatest, but I know I won’t feel this way forever.”
“Heavy, but I’m still standing.”
“I’ve been having some dark days, but I appreciate you asking.”
“Not so hot, but I’m hoping things will change.”
“Some days are harder than others. Today’s one of them.”
“Sad, but also okay in moments.”
“Overwhelmed. But thank you for checking in. That means a lot.”
These are truthful without being too revealing. You don’t pretend—but you don’t overextend either. There is a very clear period on the end of your response, which will signal, for most people, not to pry further.
3. Minimal Disclosure
When you’re not up for being 100% real, but want to stay polite
These are your quick exit responses. They hold the door open for a little bit of truth but close the door to further emotional labor. They’re useful for neutral spaces, passing conversations, or when you’re emotionally tapped out.
“I’m still upright and breathing. What about you?”
“Getting through it.”
“Doing my best today, and that’s all I can ask for.”
“Surviving, all things considered, thanks.”
“I’m putting one foot in front of the other.”
“Getting by as best I can—how about you?”
These are not lies—they are lightweight placeholders for your actual experience. You don’t owe more than that.
4. Zero Disclosure (aka “Grief Mask On”)
When the answer is nobody’s business but your own
This is the category Claire asked about—the one that sometimes gets labeled “dishonest,” but is in fact a powerful form of grief protection.
These responses are total social camouflage—aka responses that hide your truth behind the mask of “I’m fine.” And that’s okay if you need it—or when the situation calls for it.
“I’m fine, thanks. How are you?”
“Doing alright, thanks!”
“I’m good. What is life like in your world?”
“All’s well with me—how’s your week going?”
Here’s why these responses can be helpful for you in the midst of grief: Sometimes, the people who ask “How are you?” aren’t really asking at all. It’s just a greeting. A formality. A societal reflex.
And when your grief feels too sacred—or your surroundings too risky—it is completely valid to opt out of emotional exposure.
You are not lying.
You are not betraying your loved one or your loss.
And you are not abandoning your grief.
You are choosing safety and discernment in a single interaction.
If it helps you feel better, you can remind yourself that you do have people you feel secure being honest and truthful with—and that you will be vulnerable with them at a later moment. It’s just not right here, right now, with this specific person.
In Life After Loss Academy, we talk about making a list of your Grief Allies—people you know for certain can hold space for your grief. In your mind as you answer, “Fine, thanks. How are you?” you might think, “That’s a question for my Grief Ally, [name], who I’ll talk to later.”
Closing Thoughts: You Don’t Owe Everybody the Truth About Your Grief—But You Do Owe Yourself Compassion
To Claire, and to anyone else asking this question: Yes—it’s okay to say “I’m fine” when you’re not.
Your grief is not a public performance that others should be allowed 24/7 access to. It’s a part of your lived reality that you can place a compassionate fence around when it feels necessary.
And part of that compassionate fence-placing involves using your words to invite some people in—and keep others out.
You are the ultimate protector of your heart and of your grief. And you’re more than allowed to do what you need to do to survive each interaction—and each day—with grief in tow.
Want more tools and scripts like this?
Inside Life After Loss Academy, we dive deep into how to protect your grief in social settings and move through relationships with friends, family, and coworkers as a griever. You’ll gain the tools to set kind—but firm—boundaries, communicate your needs, and find your footing in a world changed by loss. Learn more and join for just $22/month.
And, if you’re supporting someone grieving but don’t know what to say other than “How are you?” check out my book, Of Course I’m Here Right Now. In it, you’ll find dozens of practical scripts to comfort someone grieving both immediately after a loss and years down the road.
