The 7 Worst Things to Say to Someone Grieving—and What to Say Instead
Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.
Just about every week, a griever shares something hurtful someone said to them that reminds me of how powerful and impactful words can be after loss.
It might be a comment from a well-meaning coworker at a work function or a text from a family member who was "just trying to help." It might be a card from a friend who clearly had good intentions but somehow managed to write exactly the wrong thing or a comment on social media from a stranger who believes they know the best solution to grief.
And every time I hear one of these stories, I feel two things simultaneously: deep compassion for the griever who received those words—and deep heartache for the person who said them.
Because here's what I know after more than a decade of supporting grieving people: the people who say hurtful things to grievers are almost never trying to hurt them.
They're (usually) trying to help. They just don't know how to without causing pain.
That gap between supporters’ intentions and their impact is exactly why I wrote my book Of Course I'm Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving. And it's exactly why this blog article exists.
Below, you'll find the seven worst things people say to grievers. For each one, I'll describe exactly why it misses the mark and what you can say instead, using the simple, helpful framework from my book: “Of course.” “I'm here.” “Right now.”
By the time you’ve finished reading, you’ll not only know what not to say; you’ll also have a bunch of handy scripts you can use any time someone in your orbit is facing a loss.
1. Meaning-Making Statements: "They're in a Better Place" and Other Spiritual Shortcuts
Some of the most offensive phrases to lob in a griever’s direction are ones that assign meaning to their loss without consulting the griever themselves. These statements essentially force your perspective onto them which does the opposite of making them feel better and they are so embedded in our societal grief vocabulary that many people say them on autopilot—without stopping to consider what they actually communicate to the person on the receiving end.
What they imply is this: Your pain has a purpose. Which means you should probably feel okay about it.
Here are some examples:
"Everything happens for a reason."
"God needed another angel."
"They're in a better place."
“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
“God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
The problem? Grievers are not okay about it. And being told—even gently, even with love—that their loss was part of a plan, or that the person they loved is somewhere better, can feel profoundly dismissive. It spiritualizes their pain instead of sitting with it. It offers an explanation instead of empathy.
And for grievers who don't share the same spiritual beliefs as you, the person offering these phrases? It can feel alienating and invalidating on top of everything else—like you don’t understand their loss and like you don’t care to know them personally.
What to say instead:
"Of course [loss] is devastating.”
“It’s okay if meaning or reason is hard to find right now.”
“I'm here with you in the pain/uncertainty/awfulness."
These phrases don't try to explain the loss or dress it up with purpose—they simply say: I see your pain, and I'm not going to rush you toward making sense of it.
2. Vague Statements: "Sorry for Your Loss" and Other Empty Phrases
These phrases aren't malicious or spiritually presumptuous—but they're incredibly impersonal, and grievers can feel the difference immediately.
Here are some common ones:
"Sorry for your loss."
"My deepest condolences."
"Thinking of you during this difficult time."
When someone says "sorry for your loss" without mentioning the person who died, the relationship that ended, or the diagnosis that changed everything, it sends a subtle but painful message: I acknowledge that something hard happened to you. I just don't want to get too close to it.
It's the grief equivalent of a form letter—and grievers who are desperately longing to feel seen and remembered notice when they receive one.
What to say instead:
"I've been thinking about [person's name] every single day."
"Of course you're heartbroken over [loss]."
"I'm here for you, and I haven't forgotten that you're grieving [loss]."
Specificity is what separates a phrase that comforts from one that merely checks a box. You don't need poetry—you just need to name the loss or the person who died, and mean it.
3. Judgment Statements: "Aren't You Over It Yet?" and Other Mean, Critical Words
Whether you’ve had experience with grief or not, society often teaches us there are certain ways that grief should unfold. But these societal beliefs are often wrong and don’t make room for the fullness of grievers’ experiences with loss.
In a world full of grieving people and people who think they know how grief should go, analytical, judgmental, and even outright critical statements abound. These are the most overtly hurtful phrases on this list—and yet they get said to grievers' faces, behind their backs, and sometimes disguised as genuine concern.
For example:
"I can't believe you're still upset about this."
“You can’t grieve forever!”
"It's been a year. You really need to move on."
"You're not over it by now?"
"You have to stop letting this define you."
Every one of these phrases carries a verdict inside it: Your grief is taking too long. You are doing this wrong.
People who’ve experienced loss know that grief has no finish line. There is no correct timeline for processing the death of a person you love, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a life you thought you'd be living by now.
When you tell a griever they should be "over it," you aren't just sharing an opinion—you’re delivering a judgment that can make a grieving person feel broken, defective, and utterly alone.
What to say instead:
"Of course this is still difficult."
"Grief doesn't follow a schedule. It makes sense that you’re grieving in this season."
"I'm here for as long as you need, and that's not going to change."
No griever has ever healed faster because someone told them to hurry up—but many have healed better because someone told them there was no rush and stood by while they processed their pain.
4. Prescriptive Statements: "You Just Need to Stay Busy" and Other Icky “Shoulds”
Prescriptive statements are well-intentioned advice dressed up as support—and they tend to land as an unwelcome critique of the way someone is grieving.
For instance:
"You just need to stay busy."
"Be strong for your kids."
"You need to get back out there."
"Have you tried exercising/essential oils/doing X diet? That really helped me when I went through something hard."
The subtext of every one of these phrases is the same: Your grief is a problem to be solved. Here is my solution.
Staying busy doesn't heal grief—it postpones it. Being strong for others doesn't take away pain—it suppresses it. And while exercise, nutrition, and fresh air can absolutely support a grieving person's wellbeing, leading with lifestyle prescriptions signals that their emotional pain is an inconvenience to be managed rather than a human experience to be witnessed.
What to say instead:
"You don't have to do anything right now except what helps you survive."
"I’m here as you figure out your next right step—whatever that looks like today.”
"This is exactly as hard as you think it is."
Acknowledging that everyone gets through grief differently, rather than telling them how to get through it is one of the most powerful things you as a supporter can do—and it costs nothing!
5. Toxic Positivity Statements: "Time Heals All Wounds,” Silver Linings, and the "At Least" Trap
As a supporter, it makes sense that you want your grieving friend or family member to feel better. But cheering them up by way of toxic positivity statements—words that bury the hard stuff and insist on happiness—is not helpful.
Here are some examples of “at least” and its other toxic positivity companions:
"At least you had so many good years together."
"At least you're young—you can date/marry/try again."
"At least they aren't suffering anymore."
“At least you can have more kids.”
"Look on the bright side."
"They lived a long life."
"Time heals all wounds."
Every "at least" or “bright side” statement contains a hidden instruction: Find the silver lining. Be grateful. Stop focusing on what you lost.
Toxic positivity doesn't erase grief—it buries it under a thin layer of optimism and tells the griever to stop digging.
What to say instead:
"Right now, I can see how hope or happiness feels hard to access."
"Of course you’re still grieving. [Loss] is still true."
"I'm not going to rush you towards a bright side or a silver lining. I’m here and I’m not afraid to hear how grief is really going for you."
When someone you care about is grieving, your job is not to point out bright sides. What your griever needs is someone willing to sit in the dark with them.
6. Disconnection Statements: "I Can't Imagine What You're Going Through" and Other Distancing Language
This category of phrases surprises lots of supporters when it makes this list—because it sounds humble, even self-aware. But these statements cause more harm than most people realize.
For example:
"I can't imagine what you're going through."
"I don't even know what to say."
"I can't begin to understand your pain."
When you tell someone you can't imagine their pain, you inadvertently place yourself outside of it. You're announcing your distance from their experience instead of leaning into it. More on why “I can’t imagine” isn’t helpful in this article.
And for a grieving person who already feels profoundly isolated, being told that their pain is literally unimaginable can deepen that loneliness in ways that are hard to put into words. What grievers need isn't perfect understanding—it's a willingness to try.
What to say instead:
"I imagine this is one of the hardest things you've ever been through."
"I'll keep checking in on you."
"I want to understand as much as you're willing to share with me today.”
The shift from "I can't imagine" to "I imagine" is small. The difference it makes to a grieving person is not.
7. Silence
And now we arrive at the most painful thing to say: nothing.
No card. No text. No call. No mention of the loss—ever. For grievers this may be a coworker who knew they were going through a divorce and never acknowledged it. A friend who heard about the diagnosis and went quiet. A family member who didn't show up for the funeral and never explained why.
Silence is what grievers tell me about most often—and it’s the unspoken statement that leaves the deepest pain. Because silence communicates something that no cliché or platitude can: I don't know what to do with your grief, so I'm going to pretend it isn't happening.
It makes grievers feel unwanted, betrayed, confused, and left alone to sort through the rubble of their loss.
Many supporters choose silence out of fear of saying the wrong thing—and I understand that fear. But saying the wrong thing is almost always better than saying nothing. I often joke that grievers are fantastic bullshit detectors. They can forgive imperfect words. What they find much harder to forgive is disappearing entirely.
What to say instead of nothing:
"I've been thinking about you, especially during [season/anniversary]."
"Of course this has been so hard."
"I'm here for you, and I'm sorry I haven't said so sooner."
If you've gone quiet on a griever in your life—whether it's been weeks, months, or years—it is never too late to reach back out. Show them that you care through your words. While they may be surprised to hear from you, they will likely also be relieved to finally have their loss, pain, and grief acknowledged.
What to Say Instead: The "Of Course, I'm Here, Right Now" Framework
Every "what to say instead" suggestion in this blog article comes from the same simple framework I developed after years of working with grievers and supporters alike.
It's also the title of my book, Of Course I'm Here Right Now, and it works for any type of loss—death, divorce, diagnosis, estrangement, or any major life transition.
Here's the framework in its simplest form:
"Of course." This is your validation phrase. It says: Your grief makes sense. You're not too much. You're not doing this wrong.
"I'm here." This is your presence phrase. It says: I'm not going anywhere. I'm not afraid of your grief. I see you.
"Right now." This is your continuity phrase. It says: This moment is hard, and it won't always be this hard. And I'll be here for all of it.
You don't have to use these exact words every time. You can mix and match them, adjust them to fit your relationship, write them in a card, send them in a text, or say them out loud over a meal. What matters is the spirit behind them: validation, presence, and commitment to sticking around for the long haul.
Closing Thoughts: The Words You Choose to Support Someone Grieving Matter
I believe that none of the people who says any of these phrases to a griever wakes up and thinks: I'm going to say something hurtful today.
They’re doing their best with the tools they have. But the tools are outdated, unhelpful, and in many cases, make grief more isolating and painful than it already is.
This blog article—and my book—exist to give you better words, ones that meet grievers where they are without rushing them, judging them, spiritualizing them, or disappearing on them.
That's all grief support really requires: a willingness to show up and a handful of phrases that say, I see you. I'm here. Of course this is hard.
If you want a full guide to what to say to someone grieving—including dozens of ready-to-use scripts for every moment of grief—pick up a copy of Of Course I'm Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving. It's a short, practical guidebook written for the friends, family members, coworkers, and neighbors who care about a griever and want to show up well—without the guesswork of figuring out what to say.
