How to Make a Big Decision While Grieving: Navigating Grief and Decision Making After a Loss

Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.

Recently, I received a message from a podcast listener that echoes what many of my grieving clients and students have to cope with after a major loss. She wrote:

“My mom died eight months ago, and I still feel like I’m living underneath a giant boulder. Every day, I wake up in this body that doesn’t quite feel like mine, in a life that doesn’t make sense without her. I can’t breathe half the time, and the other half of the time, I’m just trying to get through the day.

And now… I have to decide whether or not to sell her house—the house I grew up in. The house she died in.

Everyone says not to make any big decisions in the first year of grief, but I don’t have that luxury. I can’t afford to keep the house. I don’t know how to know what’s ‘right’ when everything is upside-down—and without my mom here to counsel me. How do I make a decision like this when I’m still barely surviving?”

Hoo boy. There’s so much tenderness in this question. So much pressure. And so much urgency colliding with uncertainty.

As I said, this listener is not the only griever in the world facing this kind of dilemma. If you’re navigating grief and decision making, especially in the early aftermath of loss, this guide is for you.

The Myth of the “No Big Decisions” Rule

You’ve probably heard it before—maybe even from well-meaning friends, therapists, or strangers on the internet:

“Don’t make any big decisions in the first year of grief!”

At first glance, that might seem like wise, cautious advice. After all, the early weeks and months of grief can turn your brain to mush. It can scramble your sense of identity, safety, and direction. You might not trust yourself to choose what you’ll have for dinner—let alone choose whether or not to sell your childhood home, quit your job, end a relationship, or move across the country.

But here’s the truth I share in my book, Your Grief, Your Way:

“Societal convention says, ‘Don’t make any major decisions within the first year of a loss,’ but in my humble opinion, that’s hogwash. As much as we’d like to, we can’t opt out of living because someone we love has died; sometimes life-changing decisions must be made immediately following a loss. If you have to make a big decision in the aftermath of loss, gather as much information as you can, call on friends and trusted advisers to help, and be sure you are as informed and prepared as you can possibly be.”

Basically, the “No big decisions” rule is not practical.

Yes, your grief may slow you down. Yes, your emotions may be louder than your logic. But the truth that many of my grieving clients and students know intimately is: life can’t always wait for the haze of grief to clear.

Loss events—such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a major diagnosis—are often the beginning of what I call “decision avalanches.” Lots of decisions, small and large, must be made in the aftermath of a loss event, whether those decisions are about your relationships, your home, your work, your finances, or your energetic bandwidth. And sadly, many of those decisions can’t be postponed. There are regularly instances where an option must be chosen; something must be done… now.

Grief and Bad Decisions: Is That What I’m About to Make?

One of the biggest fears I hear from grievers is “What if I make the wrong choice?”

Behind that fear is often the belief that grief makes us bad decision makers—and to some extent, there’s truth to that.

In the earliest months after loss, your nervous system is in survival mode. Your executive function—the part of your brain that handles complex thinking, planning, memory, and emotional regulation—can be compromised. Grief therapist and author Megan Devine refers to this as “putting your keys in the freezer” syndrome, where things you used to remember easily are forgotten, misplaced, or mixed up.

It’s common to feel impulsive, scattered, avoidant, or mentally blocked when you’re grieving. You might have trouble weighing consequences or imagining different outcomes of your decisions.

But that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of making wise, grounded choices. It just means you might need more support than usual. More tools. More information. And perhaps most importantly, more self-compassion to do the best you can with the tools and energy you have in this particular moment of your life.

What to Do When You Have to Make a Big Decision While Grieving

Whether you’re deciding to sell a house, change careers, move to a new city, or redefine a relationship, here are some gentle, grounded ways to approach grief and decision making—especially when your brain feels broken and your heart feels heavy.

1. Ask: Can This Decision Wait?

Before anything else, ask the most basic (and most overlooked) question:

“Is this decision actually urgent?”

A lot of times, the drastic life-changing-ness of loss can make every decision feel urgent. But it’s rare to encounter a decision that can’t be delayed, even by a few hours or weeks.

If a decision can wait, give yourself the gift of time. But if it can’t—if finances, safety, or legal timelines are involved—acknowledge that, and give yourself compassion for having to act under pressure.

Either way, explore the consequences of delaying or rushing:

• What are the financial costs of waiting as opposed to starting ASAP?

• What are the emotional consequences of acting now versus later?

• What are the relational or community impacts of deciding quickly or slowly?

Sometimes, the awareness of how urgent a decision really is can ease the pressure to make the perfect decision.

2. Make a Pro and Con List

A simple list—on paper, in your Notes app, or scribbled on a napkin—can go a long way in helping you clearly see what’s tangled in your head.

Be sure to be thorough with this. Don’t just consider the pros and cons of making this decision right now. Be sure to consider what impact this decision might have months, years, or even decades down the road. And don’t just consider how this decision impacts you. Think about how this decision will affect others in your midst. Emotional, social, mental, physical, relational outcomes—they all belong on your pro and con list.

3. Call In Wise Counsel

Grief can make you want to isolate yourself from others—but big decisions are sometimes too heavy to hold alone.

For a big, life-changing decision, pull together a team including:

• Trusted friends who listen more than they fix

• Therapists or coaches who get grief and its connection to decision making

• Experts (financial, legal, real estate, medical) who can offer clarity without pushing an agenda

If anyone in your circle has offered, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” ask them to refer you to someone who might be able to help you make this decision or sit with you as you go over your pro and con list. Even just hearing someone say, “That makes sense,” can relieve the shame or stress that often clouds big griefy decisions.

And—if you’re someone who connects with ancestors, spiritual guides, or your loved ones who’ve died—invite them into the conversation, too.

Ask them, “What would you want for me?” or “What would you tell me if you could sit beside me now?”

Let their perspective become a part of your wisdom.

Flip the Question: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

When grief dominates your day-to-day, it’s normal for your brain to spiral into fear, asking:

• “What if I regret it?”

• “What if I fail?”

• “What if this ruins everything?”

And instead of self-gaslighting and telling yourself you’re overreacting or being irrational, I argue it’s important to answer those questions instead of letting them play on loop in your brain unchecked.

So get specific. After you make your pro and con list and consult the wisdom of others, ask yourself: “What’s the worst-case scenario if I make this decision?”

Then go one step further, asking, “What would I do if that happened?”

For instance:

• “If I can’t sell my mom’s house in the time that I need to, I’ll move back to my home state/country and hire a realtor who can take charge of this for me.”

• “If all of our mutual friends side with my soon-to-be-ex as a result of this breakup, I’ll make a list of family and supporters I do have in my circle and consider joining group therapy to process my heartbreak.”

• “If I can’t get a job immediately after quitting this one, I’ll work part time at a coffee shop while I send out my resume to ten new workplaces per week.”

Making a contingency plan for your fear doesn’t make it real—it makes you prepared. It puts your power back in your hands and turns down the volume of “what if” in your brain.

Then Ask: What’s the Best That Could Happen?

Grief has a tendency to crowd out the possibility of goodness in your future.

But not all consequences of change are bad.

So flip the script and ask yourself:

• “What’s the best-case scenario if I make this decision?”

• “What positive results have others in my situation experienced?”

• “What might ease, connection, or peace look like here?”

• “What unexpected surprises might be on the other side of this?”

This isn’t toxic positivity—it’s strategic hope. Because while grief is very powerful, it doesn’t have the ability to stop good things from happening to you ever again.

A Final Reframe: You Don’t Have to Be Certain—You Just Have to Be Compassionate

You will not—and cannot—ever know with 100% certainty whether you’re making “the right decision.”

That’s true for a griefy decision, but if you think about it, it’s true for most other big life decisions too.

And honestly, that’s okay. In fact, it’s human.

You don’t need certainty in order to make a “good enough” choice. You just need self-trust, support, and self-compassion.

Said another way, the decision you make right now, in the midst of your grief, doesn’t have to be perfect.

It just has to be grounded in what you know, what you need, and what feels most aligned with who you are—in this moment, in this version of your life.

Closing Thoughts: You’re Not “Bad” at Making Decisions—You’re Just Grieving

If you’re feeling stuck, frozen, or afraid of choosing wrong, take a breath.

You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re not incapable of moving forward.

You’re a grieving person living in a society that pressures you to “get it right” when there is no “one right way”—just thousands of possible outcomes. Only you know which choices are “good enough” considering the time, information, tools, and resources you have available in this season. And you deserve space and support as you figure things out.

Inside Life After Loss Academy, we hold space for the sticky, complicated, overwhelming decisions that grief brings. We don’t rush answers or demand certainty. We ask reflective questions. We reinforce support systems. We learn how to live with grief, instead of pretending it doesn’t affect our choices.

And we do all of this together.

If you’re staring down a decision you didn’t ask for in a life you didn’t choose—I hope you’ll join us. Let’s untangle the knots, hold your grief with care, and find a way forward that honors both your past and your future. Join us in Life After Loss Academy today.