What to Say to Someone Grieving: Three Phrases That Actually Help
Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.
You can also watch the full talk on YouTube:
A few years ago, I was on the phone with a grief client named Marie, who had suffered the heart-wrenching loss of a baby.
The death of this tiny, powerful dream of life was the final blow after years of miscarriages and medical procedures, and Marie was understandably devastated.
During one of our sessions, she shared a story about an acquaintance who had recently announced her pregnancy on Instagram. The happy comments, the glowing photos, the likes—all of it had sparked agony in Marie, and she was wrestling vigorously with how to contort her heart into a position where she could feel happy for this woman.
To make things more complicated, the newly pregnant acquaintance hadn't always been kind to Marie. So on top of the grief, Marie was asking herself a harder question: Why did this woman deserve a healthy pregnancy while I had to endure the life-shattering loss of a baby?
Marie felt gutted. Then she felt ashamed.
I listened as she meticulously laid out two cases: one against this other woman's joy and another against herself for feeling hostile toward it.
At the center of it all was a quiet belief: Something must be wrong with me.
"I should be happy for her," she said.
"I should be able to congratulate her.
“I shouldn't feel this angry."
Once she finished, I took a deep breath and said, "Of course you'd be upset that someone you don't really like is pregnant."
I felt the energy of our call shift. After a beat, Marie replied, "I don't think I ever thought of that—that I would be allowed to feel torn up about all of this. So wait a minute. I'm not being ridiculous?"
"No," I said. "In fact, it sounds really normal to me."
In an instant, Marie stopped spiraling. Instead of seeing herself as broken or wrong, she saw herself through a much more compassionate lens—as someone who was grieving. And that was okay.
That conversation is when I first understood the power of words—all by themselves—to transform a grieving person's experience.
The beautiful stage for Of Course I’m Here Right Now’s book launch party in March 2026 | Credit: Replogle Studios
The Three Painful Stories Grieving People Tell Themselves
In ten years of working with people navigating losses of all kinds—from death and divorce to major diagnosis—I've noticed that grieving people tend to tell themselves three core stories:
I'm crazy.
I'm alone.
My life will be like this forever.
These are the records on repeat inside a grieving person's head, and they're reinforced by things as large and systematic as a three-day bereavement leave policy and as intimate as a longtime friend going silent just one month after a funeral.
The first story—"I'm crazy"—was Marie's story. It shows up as thoughts like:
"No one else feels this way."
"Something must be wrong with me.”
"I should be over this by now."
The second story—"I'm alone"—is the most frequently reported by grievers. It sounds like:
"No one gets how I feel."
"Even in a crowded room, I'm completely alone."
"Everyone has stopped checking in."
The third story—"My life will be like this forever"—is sneakier, but shows up in thoughts like:
"This pain will never end."
"I'll never feel joy again."
"I can't see any way out of grief."
Whether a grieving person is five days, five months, or five years out from a significant loss, they are likely telling themselves one or more of these stories. And those stories shape not only how they navigate grief, but how they show up in relationships, at work, and in their own sense of self.
Here's the part we don't talk about enough: when grievers go through loss, they don't just grieve the main event. They also grieve the friends, family members, and coworkers who fall away—or who fail to meaningfully comfort them.
Grieving people don't want to feel abandoned. And supporters don't want to unintentionally vanish. But in the silence between them, relationships weaken, fracture, and sometimes end altogether.
Why Words Are the Most Powerful Free Grief Support Tool You Have
For as much as these three painful stories—these words—can shape a grieving person's life, words are also the fastest way to interrupt and change them.
You don't need money, a therapy degree, or even an in-person visit to offer meaningful comfort to someone who is grieving.
Words are immediate, portable, and repeatable. Whether spoken or typed, expressed in person or over FaceTime, written in a letter or sent as a voice memo—words are, far and away, the most effective way to comfort someone navigating loss.
And you already have access to them!
What to Say to Someone Grieving: Three Phrases That Actually Help
So what words do we use? Not the ones pre-written inside a sympathy card. Not the cliches we've been taught by well-meaning people who didn't know any better—"time heals all wounds" or "everything happens for a reason."
After years of working with grieving people and those who love them, I developed three simple phrases you can use at any time, for any kind of loss, to support someone who is grieving.
They are the title of my book, and they are the heart of everything I teach:
“Of course.”
“I'm here.”
“Right now.”
Each phrase directly interrupts one of those three painful stories.
Here is how they work:
"Of Course": The Phrase That Replaces Shame With Validation
For a griever telling the story "I'm crazy," the phrase "of course" steps into the conversation and validates their feelings without asking them to defend or explain themselves.
So when someone says, "It's been seven years since my dad died. I shouldn't still be this sad," you say, "Of course you're sad. Your dad is still dead."
Suddenly, they are not crazy anymore. They are grieving—and that makes complete sense.
"Of course" is your go-to phrase for any moment when a grieving person is questioning whether their feelings are too big, too messy, or taking too long. It answers the question "Is it normal to feel this way?" with a quiet, steady yes.
"I'm Here": The Phrase That Replaces Isolation With Presence
For a griever telling the story "I'm alone," the phrase "I'm here" comes alongside them and accompanies them in their isolation.
When they say, "No one understands how hard this is," you say, "Even if I can't understand entirely, I'm here. I haven't forgotten that you're grieving."
Instantly, they are not the only ones carrying their grief. Your presence shares that weight. They are no longer alone.
Grief is isolating. People vanish after the funeral, after the divorce papers are signed, after news of the diagnosis gets absorbed into everyone else's routines. Texts slow down. Invitations disappear. "I'm here" keeps you in the picture of your grieving friend's life—not just in the immediate aftermath, but in the months and years that follow.
"Right Now": The Phrase That Replaces Forever With This Moment
For a griever telling the story "My life will be like this forever," the phrase "right now" sneaks through the back door of the conversation and offers something quietly powerful: context.
When they say, "Everything feels hopeless," you say, "Right now, it makes sense that hope feels far away."
With just two words, this moment is no longer an eternity. It is a moment. Their struggle is not all there is.
This is especially important for losses with permanent outcomes—like death—where it is completely natural for a grieving person to believe that because the loss is forever, the pain must be too. "Right now" gently reminds them: this is one moment in the larger story of their life. And that story is still being written.
My friend and cohost Emily Washcovick and I taking audience questions | Credit: Replogle Studios
Why These Three Phrases Work to Support Someone Grieving Any Kind of Loss
These phrases work across all types of loss, across all time frames since the loss occurred, and across every medium where words are shared—from condolence cards and text messages to phone calls and social media comments.
The validation of "of course" reduces shame and self-blame.
The presence of "I'm here" decreases isolation.
The time-anchoring of "right now" reduces overwhelm.
Notice what these phrases do not do: they do not argue with a grieving person's lived experience like this: "You're not crazy." "You're not alone." "It won't be like this forever." These contradictions, however well-intentioned, push against what the grieving person actually feels. They can make a griever feel dismissed or misunderstood.
"Of course,” “I'm here,” and “Right now," do the opposite. These phrases acknowledge where your grieving friend is and sit beside them there. They offer instant, portable, perspective-shifting comfort—in literally just a few words.
How to Use These Phrases Starting Today
The next time someone you care about is grieving—whether they have lost a job, a dog, a marriage, a family member, a relationship, or a dream—remember this:
You do not need to take away their pain. You probably can’t—because that’s not how grief works.
But you can keep them from feeling crazy.
You can keep them from feeling alone.
You can keep the pain of this moment from feeling like forever.
These phrases work in sympathy cards. They work in text messages sent months after the loss, when everyone else has gone quiet. They work in hallway conversations at work, at the dinner table, over FaceTime from a thousand miles away.
You do not need a perfect, profound speech. You do not need the right platitude.
You just need three phrases:
Of course.
I'm here.
Right now.
Hundreds of people have gotten their hands on Of Course I’m Here Right Now! | Credit: Replogle Studios
Closing Thoughts: Watch the Talk—and Share It With Someone Who Needs It
This blog article is based on my TED-style talk delivered at my book launch party for Of Course I'm Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving.
If this resonated with you, I'd love for you to watch the full talk and share it with a friend, family member, coworker, or neighbor who wants to show up better for the grieving people in their life.
💻 Watch the talk on YouTube. 💻
And if you are ready to go deeper—with more phrases, more scripts, and a full framework for supporting someone grieving at any stage of loss—my book is the place to start.
📖 Grab your copy of Of Course I'm Here Right Now. 📖
The way we talk about grief can either shut someone down—or carry them through the darkness of life with loss. Let's choose the second one together.
