Why “Time Heals All” Is a Myth—and What Actually Helps Grievers Heal

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If you've ever been grieving and had the phrase, “Time heals all” lobbed in your direction, you probably felt dismissed or pissed off—or both. It’s one of those platitudinous phrases people offer when they don’t know what else to say, but here’s the reality:

“Time heals all” is a lie—and grievers know it.

I suppose to people who haven’t experienced loss, it sounds comforting, sure. Its brevity and certainty promise that if we just hold on long enough, the pain of grief will magically fade. But for anyone who’s lived through deep loss, that promise feels hollow.

Because the truth is this:

Time does not have the power to heal; all it has is the power to pass.

It's what you do with your time that contributes to your healing.

In this article, I’ll explore where this phrase comes from, why it’s not just unhelpful—but actively harmful—and what actually does help grieving hearts heal over time.

Where Did the Phrase “Time Heals All” Come From?

The idea that time alone can mend emotional wounds isn’t new. Its roots stretch back over 2,000 years.

The earliest version of the sentiment is often attributed to the Greek dramatist Menander, who wrote around 300 B.C.:

“Time is the healer of all necessary evils.”

The phrase later reappeared in Geoffrey Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde, written in the 1380s:

“As tyme hem hurt, a tyme doth hem cure.”
(As time hurt them, time cures them.)

Fast forward to the 19th and 20th centuries, and we see versions of this phrase show up everywhere—from Victorian death rituals to Hallmark cards to well-meaning advice from friends and family.

But here’s the problem: just because a phrase has been around for a long time doesn’t make it true.

The Problem with “Time Heals All” in Grief

On the surface, “time heals all” sounds cliché at worst—a harmless nothingburger of a phrase meant to imply hope or comfort. But beneath that allegedly harmless exterior, it makes several dangerous assumptions:

1. It Puts Grievers on a Passive Clock

“Time heals all” implies that healing is something that happens to you, not something you actively participate in or pursue. It encourages a kind of emotional passivity that demands “just sit still and wait long enough, and eventually you’ll feel better.”

But grief doesn’t work like that.

We all know someone who’s still deeply impacted by a loss from decades ago. Not because they’re weak or broken, but because they were never given the tools or space to process that pain. And we’ve also seen people who’ve experienced life-altering loss and managed to feel joy again, not because time “did the work,” but because they did.

Grievers know—just by looking around—that time in and of itself is not the force healing grievers. Grievers themselves are.

2. It Dismisses the Depth of Loss

Hearing “time heals all” can feel like a slap in the face. It suggests that your pain is temporary, fixable, or less significant than it feels. For someone who has lost a person, a pet, or a version of their life, this phrase can feel dismissive and cruel.

On top of that, the phrase is incredibly impersonal. It says nothing about the significance of your relationship to who or what you lost—and nothing about how the person saying that phrase is comforting you.

Even equally overused support phrases like, “Let me know if you need anything” or “You’re in my thoughts and prayers” express more about receiving care and compassion than “Time heals all.” The bar is truly in hell.

3. It Shames Grievers for "Still" Feeling Pain

When grief lasts longer than others around you expect it to, the clock of “time heals all” starts to turn into judgment. The phrase can imply that you should be “over it” by now or that you shouldn’t be feeling sad or hurt because so much time has passed.

Instead of offering compassion, “time heals all” becomes a deadline—and when you miss whatever imaginary deadline the people in your life think you should adhere to, it’s normal for you to feel broken or defective—like you’ve let them down.

But those who’ve experienced a loss know that grief doesn’t adhere to a clock, a schedule, or a calendar. It works in spirals, cycles, waves, and spurs of the moment. And no two people move through loss the same way. It’s impossible to measure “success” in grief by way of time, because grief doesn’t even measure itself that way!

If Time Was the Ultimate Healer, All Old People Would Be Healed

Here’s the snarky, uber-literal thought experiment I always come back to:

If time was the great healer, then all the elderly people in our society would be fully healed. Peaceful. Joyful. Emotionally whole.

But we all know that’s not true.

Some older adults are still living in the emotional aftermath of a loss that happened 30 or 40 years ago—because they never had the chance or the support to grieve it. And some people in their teens, 20s, and 30s, who have faced tremendous loss, are living beautiful, emotionally present lives.

In other words, it’s not about how much time has passed. It’s about what you do with that time.

How to Spend Your Time in Ways That Support Actual Healing

So if time alone doesn’t heal… what does?

The answer isn’t a single action—it’s a collection of practices, mindsets, and support systems that create space for healing to happen. Below are a few key elements that truly support healing over time.

1. Doing the Work of Grief

Healing takes effort. It’s not just about feeling pain—it’s about processing it.

That might look like:

• Journaling or writing letters to the person you lost or the person you were before loss

• Crying, screaming, or moving your body in way that expresses your grief

• Talking through memories and regrets with a trusted friend or professional

• Acknowledging what you’ve lost and how deeply it’s affected you

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and nonlinear. You don’t just “feel better” one day. You consistently work your way toward a life that can hold grief and joy at the same time. That is real healing after loss.

2. Having a Grief-Informed Community

One of the most healing forces in the world is being witnessed by others.

When you’re in community with others who get it—not because they’re trying to fix you, but because they’re traveling the same road—the burden lightens because it’s shared.

This is why I created my online community, Life After Loss Academy—because grieving people need a space where they can be fully themselves, grief and all. If you’re interested in learning more, watch my free workshop.

3. Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve

Much of what is considered healing after loss is tossing out your old beliefs about grief and giving yourself compassion and grace as you feel your feelings.

This means:

• Dropping the timeline of when healing should happen—and how it should look

• Letting grief change you, including your values, needs, and identity

• Allowing emotions to rise without judgment

My book Permission to Grieve was born out of this exact need. It’s a gentle invitation to release the unrealistic expectations you’ve been carrying and to befriend your grief instead.

4. Staying Connected to Your Grief

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means rooting yourself even more deeply to your losses so that you can carry them into the future with you. And creating small, predictable rhythms can help you feel grounded as you navigate life after loss.

Things like morning rituals, bedtime routines, memorial traditions, and grief anniversary practices are anchors that say: “I’m still here. I’m still breathing. I can do this.”

If you’re grieving the death of a person, my book Your Grief, Your Way, shows you how to develop an ongoing relationship with the person you lost. Whether that’s through rituals, letters, storytelling, or quiet moments, staying connected to them and honoring their continued presence in your life is part of healing—not something that needs to be “gotten over.”

If you’re grieving something besides a person—such as a divorce or breakup, major diagnosis, job loss, estrangement, or geographic move—I hope you’ll join us inside Life After Loss Academy. My on-demand library of video lessons and live weekly support calls can help you design your own connecting rituals so that you feel stabilized as you grieve.

5. Consuming Grief-Honoring Media

Podcasts, books, blogs, movies, music, and even grief professionals on social media are all wonderful places to seek out information, tools, and support as you move through grief. Whether you prefer to listen or read, scroll or watch, there is a lot you can take away from the grief-informed creations of others.

Consider Googling “grief shows,” “podcasts about loss and death,” or “free grief support blogs” to get started.

Sometimes your healing can come from observing how others have done it.

What to Say Instead of “Time Heals All”

If you’re supporting someone grieving, here are a few things to say that are much more meaningful than “time heals all”:

• “I don’t expect you to be okay right now.”

• “You don’t have to have it all figured out.”

• “I’m here to listen, even if I don’t know what to say.”

• “There’s no right timeline for grief.”

• “Take all the time you need. I mean it.”

• “I see how much you’re hurting—and I’m not going anywhere.”

Each of these relays your care and support—while also granting the griever in your life permission to grieve in their own way, on their own schedule.

Closing Thoughts: Time Is Not the Healer—You Are

It’s time we put the “time heals all” myth to rest.

Time is not the healer. You are.

You, with your willingness to feel. Your courage to keep showing up. Your effort to honor what’s been lost and to keep going anyway.

So the next time someone offers “time heals all” as a response to your grief, you have every right to gently disagree.

And you can say, “Actually… I’m the one doing the healing.”