Is Grief Selfish? What Being "Self-Centered" in Grief Really Means—and Why It Matters
Recently, I received the following question from a podcast listener named Anjan:
“Thank you for all the work that you do for grievers. It seems to me that some people think that grief is due to self-love... essentially saying that grief is selfish. I do not know whether you have made content on this, but I would request you to consider this as a topic.”
Anjan’s question is thoughtful, honest, and far from unique. Grievers all over the world—especially in Euro-centric cultures—wrestle not only with the pain of loss, but with feedback from friends, family, coworkers, and the media that imply they’re self-centered for grieving.
For example:
“You’re not the only one who’s hurting, you know.”
“Can we talk about something else for once?”
“I didn’t say anything when my dad died. I just powered through.”
“If you really loved them, you’d celebrate their life instead of wallowing.”
“People just use grief as an excuse to be lazy.”
Yikes. These sorts of statements fall under an icky umbrella of shame that says: “You’re making this loss too much about you.”
So let’s dig into it. Is grief really selfish?
The Short Answer: Yes, Grief Is Selfish. But Not in the Way You Think.
Grief is “selfish” in the same way that tending to yourself after a natural disaster is “selfish.”
When a natural disaster like a flood, tornado, hurricane, earthquake, wildfire, or snowstorm destroys your house, it makes sense that you’re focused on your home, your power outage, your broken windows, your next meal.
Sure, you may also be aware of your neighbors and friends who were impacted by the disaster, but largely, your focus is centered on you because you’re the one whose world just fell apart.
You’re not “selfish” for being upset that your roof is gone; you’re the one who has to deal with it!
You’re the one in the wake of your loss making decisions about next steps while also figuring out how to survive the moment you’re living in right now. You’re simultaneously the center of the chaos and the one responsible for rebuilding from it.
People on the outside might say, “At least you got some time off work,” or “Others had it worse.” But that doesn’t change the fact that your life just got turned upside down in a major way.
Grief is self-centered because the weight of it is personal. The fact that your grief is “all about you” isn’t shameful. It’s human.
The person you love is gone. Or the life you thought you were building vanished—whether slowly, bit-by-bit or in an instant. You’re the one left in the rubble of the pieces of your “life before.”
Of course your grief is about you—how could it not be?
Buddhist Reflections on Grief: A Compassionate but Challenging Lens
The listener who submitted this question linked to a 2001 Dhamma talk by Ajahn Brahm, a Buddhist monk whose teachings explore themes like non-attachment, impermanence, and peace through surrender.
The talk references the Salla Sutta, a Buddhist teaching, which offers this reflection:
“Not abandoning grief,
a person suffers all the more pain.
Bewailing one whose time is done,
you fall under the sway of grief.Seeking your own happiness,
you should pull out your own arrow:
your own lamentation, longing, and sorrow.”
It’s a powerful passage. One that encourages letting go of grief, not because grief is wrong, but because attachment to what can’t be changed makes suffering more painful.
This teaching may resonate deeply with some grievers. And if it resonates with you, wonderful—let it guide you.
But for others, especially in the raw, early days of loss, it can feel invalidating, even shaming. It can be interpreted as: “You’re clinging too hard to your loss. You’re bringing suffering onto yourself. Move on already.”
That’s not a helpful sentiment when your heart is screaming in pain.
This interpretation that grief is selfish in a negative sense—that grief is about control, ego, or illusion—can make people feel defective for doing something as natural as mourning a person or a life they’ve lost. And in many Euro-centric cultures, where individual emotions are already policed, it’s easy for grievers to absorb that shame like a sponge.
When Society Calls Grief “Self-Centered”
How many times have you heard things like:
“I can’t believe you’re still not over it!”
“You need to move on.”
“You’re making this all about you.”
These judgments sting because they strike at the core fear so many grievers carry: Maybe there really is something wrong with me.
And when your grief doesn’t look “acceptable” to others—when it takes too long, gets too loud, or becomes too inconvenient—society calls it selfish.
But that’s not a reflection of your grief; it’s a reflection of society’s discomfort with pain, death, uncertainty, and vulnerability.
So… Is Grieving About Ego?
Some people or philosophies might argue that grief is really just the ego saying: “This shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t consent to this. I want my person back. I want to be in control of my life—not god or fate.” And sure—grief can have that flavor.
But so what?
We are biologically wired to want connection and stability. And it makes sense that you miss your person or resent death for existing or shoulda-coulda-woulda all the other paths your life could’ve taken instead of devastating loss.
Grief does not need to be explained away as a spiritual failure or a lack of enlightenment. You are not broken because your grief feels overwhelming. You are not failing because you’re sad, angry, or still missing someone who died months—or years—later. And you are not egotistical for noticing all of the ways you’ve been impacted by loss.
You are doing exactly what every human does after loss: You are grieving!
Reframing Grief as Self-Compassionate, Not Selfish
Instead of seeing grief as a selfish expression of “poor, miserable me,” what if we saw it as a powerful expression of:
Love and remembrance that lives on through you
Pain that is worthy of attention
Longing that reveals the depth of connection
Healing that requires slowing down and tuning in
The truth is, grief is centered on the self—but not in the harmful, egocentric way society often assumes.
It’s self-centered in the sense that you must turn inward in order to heal. You must care for the one who is still here: you.
And that’s not shameful. That’s sacred.
What If Being "Selfish" in Grief Is Actually Necessary?
Let’s flip the script.
What if being “self-centered” in grief is not a character flaw, but a survival strategy?
Think about it this way:
You’re not grieving to “make a scene.” You’re grieving because your entire world just changed.
You’re not emotional because you’re “dramatic.” You’re emotional because your body, heart, and soul are processing something massive.
You’re not remembering your loss to “get attention.” You’re remembering your loss because the person or thing you lost mattered a lot to you and it’s important to you to keep it close.
In my online course and community, Life After Loss Academy, I walk you through my 5-step GRIEF Method. The first three modules, GROUND, RELEASE, and INTEGRATE are entirely focused on the you, the grieving person, and how you would like to rebuild.
GROUND is about regaining your sense of stability in a world and a life that has fallen apart.
RELEASE is about processing and expressing your difficult emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and despair.
INTEGRATE is about folding loss into life in ways that feel nourishing and connecting to you—such as remembering a loved one through signs and symbols.
Practicing the GRIEF Method isn’t about narcissism or control; it’s about re-orienting to life after loss broke your compass. And yes, that means the focus is on you. But it’s not because your grief makes you more important than anybody else. It’s because your nervous system, your identity, your beliefs, your memories, and your daily life were all impacted by your loss.
Self-centered doesn’t mean selfish. It means self-focused. And self-focus is crucial for healing.
Reclaiming the Word “Selfish” After Loss
Next time someone accuses you of being “self-centered” for grieving, see if you can reframe it. Stop receiving it like a curse word and start appreciating it as a core reality of life after loss.
You are centering yourself because you have to.
Here are a few sample scripts to respond with when someone lobs a “selfish” statement in your direction:
“I can’t believe you’re still not over it.”
“You’re right. I’m not over it because that’s not how grief works.”“You need to move on.”
“A lot of people say ‘You need to move on,’ when they don’t like how someone is expressing their grief. What exactly am I doing that’s upsetting to you? I’d like to understand.”“You’re making this all about you.”
“My grief is all about me. It’s my grief and my loss happened to me. The good news is, you have your own grief that is all about you!”“You’re not the only one who’s hurting, you know.”
“I’m aware that my mom’s death has affected a lot of people. I get to grieve her as much as everyone else does.”“Can we talk about something else for once?”
“I’ll never stop talking about my diagnosis. It’s changed my life.”“I didn’t say anything when my dad died. I just powered through.”
“You may have ‘powered through,’ but I’m choosing to address my grief head-on. It feels more healing to me.”“If you really loved them, you’d celebrate their life instead of wallowing.”
“I can celebrate their life and feel sad that they’re not here. I can have more than one emotion at a time.”“People just use grief as an excuse to be lazy.”
“Laziness isn’t real and I can’t believe you just said that. If you think I’m using my grief to get out of something, let’s have a conversation about what you think that looks like.”
Remember, grief doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. And in a world that often tells you to ignore your pain and hurry up and be okay, reclaiming your right to grieve is an act of radical self-compassion.
Closing Thoughts
So, is grief selfish?
Yes. But not in the way people mean when they say it to shame you.
Grief is “selfish” in the way that healing is “selfish.”
You’re focused on your needs.
You’re reaching out for help from others.
You’re taking a break from “pouring from your cup” because you do not have the energy or capacity to do so.
Grief self-centers you because you’re still here, something devastating happened, and you’re tasked with getting through today, tomorrow, and the rest of your life.
Because even loss cannot change the fact that you—and nobody else—is in the driver’s seat of your life.
You may not be able to control the weather, the GPS navigation, or the bumpiness of the road you’re driving on, but you are in charge of how you respond and where to go next.
When you’re grieving, you don't need to be shamed and belittled for focusing on yourself; you need to be encouraged to dive deep into your losses, your stories, your values, and your heart as you put the pieces back together.
In other words: You need to be allowed to explore who loss is turning you into without harmful, hurtful labels like "selfish" slapped across you.
Inside Life After Loss Academy, I can help you ground into stability, release emotions like shame, sadness, and guilt, and rebuild a life that feels meaningful to you—even with grief in tow.
You don’t need to do this alone. You just need support that doesn’t judge you for being human.
If this message speaks to your experience, and you're ready to center your healing without shame, join Life After Loss Academy, and let’s figure out your next steps—together. 🌻
