What to Say to Someone Grieving: Three Phrases That Actually Help Whether It’s Been Days, Months, or Years Since the Loss

Grief can make reading hard. Want to listen to this article instead? Find its corresponding podcast episode here.

Recently, I received a note from someone who’s supporting a grieving friend.

She wrote:

“Hey Shelby. One of my closest coworkers just lost her partner suddenly. I’ve worked with her for over five years and consider her a real friend—not just a colleague. I sent a card and flowers right after I heard the news, but now I’m at a loss for what else to say.

I want to be there for her, and I know she’s really hurting. But I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing or somehow making it worse. I know from listening to your podcast that platitudes like ‘time heals all’ and ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through’ aren’t helpful.

There are a lot of articles about what not to say and a ton of advice from grievers that says ‘just be there.’ But I feel like I need to do more for her than sit in silence with her. I don’t want to disappear, but I don’t want to bug her by constantly saying ‘How are you?’ either.

What’s the right thing to say to someone grieving? And how do I show up for my friend in a way that actually feels comforting to her?”

This question is one I hear often. It’s a dilemma that plagues not just the close friends and family of grievers but their coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances too:

What do I say to someone who’s grieving?

Because when someone shares their pain with you or you discover—from a company-wide email or through the grapevine—that somebody you care about is grieving a loss, you have an invisible-yet-significant invitation to respond compassionately to it.

And far and away, the fastest, easiest, most affordable, and most comforting way you can do that is by using your words.

In this article, I’ll share why words are so important to the grievers in your midst, my three short, simple phrases that offer support better than cringey platitudes or cliches, and how to be there—verbally—for your grieving friend. Not just in the moments immediately following a loss but in the days, months, and years that follow.

Words Are the Foundation of All Good Grief Support

We live in a society that drastically underestimates the power of words—until grief enters the room. Then suddenly, everyone’s scrambling for the perfect thing to say… or saying nothing at all.

Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But if you’ve ever gone through deep grief, you know how untrue that is.

Words do matter. And not just the hurtful ones—the kind, intentional, thoughtful words make a difference too. They are one of the most powerful (and completely free!) grief support tools we have at our disposal.

Whether you’re used to talking to your grieving friend over text, email, phone, FaceTime, or in-person, the one thing all of those mediums have in common is that words are your foundation of communication.

Sure, there are non-language elements: gestures, tones of voice, facial expressions, and even physical touches for those in-person interactions. But many grievers say words speak louder than actions. For instance, it’s hard to feel comforted when someone kindly touches your shoulder and says, “God just needed another angel.” Barf.

You’re Not the Only One Who Doesn’t Know What to Say

Still, it makes sense that you’d feel unsure of what exactly to say to your grieving friend. Maybe you’ve read been told, “Just be there for them. Your presence speaks the world.”

But what does that mean, practically? Does it mean bringing dinner? Sitting in silence? Asking questions? Not asking questions?

Not everyone is comfortable just “being there”—and that’s okay.

This is where language becomes your greatest grief support tool. You don’t have to perform a perfect act of service or offer profound advice to your grieving friend. You just have to speak to them in a way that says: “I care. I see your pain. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Why You Care This Much About Words (And Why That Matters)

Behind the question “What do I say to support someone grieving?” is something much deeper.

You want to be a good friend. You want to offer comfort that feels meaningful and genuinely helpful. And possibly, on a larger level, you want to live in a world where grief is met with kindness, not ignored.

When you ask, “What do I say to someone grieving?,” you’re not just trying to check a box or send the “right” message so you can get on with your day. You’re trying to make sure your grieving person feels loved, cared for, and less alone in the aftermath of loss.

That desire to offer comfort in a world of dismissive “yeah, yeah, sticks and stones” is a gift. I hope you’ll hold onto it.

Because when we show up for one grieving person in our lives with compassion, we contribute to a world that shows up for all grieving people—today, tomorrow, and years from now.

The Three Phrases That Say Everything a Griever Needs to Hear

After years of teaching practical tools and comforting words to both grievers and comforters, I created a simple framework to help answer this exact question.

It’s the title of my latest book, and it’s also the heart of this blog:

Of course. I’m here. Right now.

These three short phrases are adaptable, authentic, and effective across all types of grief—death, divorce, diagnosis, or any major life transition.

They don’t overwhelm. They don’t pressure. And they don’t minimize or spiritualize. Instead, they affirm and accompany—which is exactly what grieving people need when their hearts are broken.

Let’s take a closer look at each phrase.

1. “Of course.”

This is your go-to phrase for validation.

When someone’s world has been ripped apart, they often wonder if their reaction is too big, too messy, or taking too long. They want to know: “Is it normal to feel this way?”

Saying “of course” in your interactions with a grieving friend answers that question without making them defend their grief.

Examples:

• “Of course this is hard.”

• “Of course you can’t sleep.”

• “Of course it still feels unreal.”

• “Of course you miss them every minute. That makes total sense.”

This phrase gently reminds the grieving person: You are not crazy. You are grieving.

2. “I’m here.”

This is your best phrase for presence.

Grief is isolating. People vanish after the funeral, after the divorce papers are finalized, after news of the diagnosis gets lost in the next wave of to-dos. Texts slow down. Invitations disappear. And your grieving friend is left wondering who still cares.

Saying “I’m here” keeps you as a supporter in the picture of their life. It offers your presence without needing to “fix” anything.

Examples:

• “I’m here for whatever you need—even if that’s space.”

• “I’m here and I’m not afraid of your grief.”

• “I’m here, and I haven’t forgotten that you’re grieving.”

This phrase builds long-term trust. It says: You’re not too much, I still remember your grief, and I won’t leave just because time has passed.

3. “Right now.”

This is your phrase for context and continuity.

When a loss happens, especially one with permanent outcomes like a death, it’s normal for your grieving friend to tell the story that how they feel right now is going to be how they’ll feel forever. In other words, “Because my loss is permanent, my pain must be too.”

“Right now” acknowledges that grief changes moment to moment—and that your support isn’t a one-time offer.

Examples:

• “Right now it seems like nothing will ever be good again. I hear you.”

• “No pressure to reply—I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you right now.”

• “Right now things are really uncertain. And it makes sense that they feel that way.”

• “I’m here right now, and I’ll still be here next week.”

This phrase subtly reminds your grieving friend: “This moment is exactly that: a moment. And while it’s a difficult moment to exist inside of it, it is not all there is.”

What to Say in a Sympathy or Condolence Card

Too often, people write cards like this:

“Dear [Their Name], I’m so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences.”

Then… they disappear.

You can do better—and not by being poetic or overly hopeful—but by simply naming the truths of your grieving friend’s lived reality and committing to showing up for them.

Try something like:

“Dear [Their Name], The loss of [Deceased Person or Pet] is heartbreaking. I know how much [he/she/they] meant to you. Of course this is so unfair and totally sucks. I’m here for you—today and in the months to come.”

“Hey [Their Name], I’ve been thinking of you every day since [loss]. Right now, I imagine everything feels like a blur. I’m here, and I’ll reach out again soon.”

“Just checking in [Their Name]. I loved the stories you told about [Deceased Person]. Of course their death feels impossible. I hope you know I’d still love to hear stories about [her/him/them], even at work. I’m here for you and I haven’t forgotten that you’re grieving right now.”

These are words inside the cards, emails, and text messages people keep. Reread. Cry over. Carry in their purse for years. Not because they’re fancy—but because they’re true. Instead of saying something generic like “Sorry for your loss,” they say something of substance that is personal to your griever and the relationship you have with them.

What to Say to Someone Grieving in the Days, Weeks, and Months After the Loss

One of the biggest mistakes comforters make? Offering support once—and then disappearing. And don’t get me wrong. Showing up in the moment of the loss (or very shortly afterwards) is significant. But grieving people need—and deserve—more than a one-time blip of support.

Your relationship will be strengthened not by a single act, but by your continued presence.

Here are a few low-pressure ways to keep showing up:

In a text message:

• “No need to respond. Thinking of you right now.”

• [After time has passed]: “I can imagine things still feel hard since [loss]. Of course they do. I haven’t forgotten that you’re grieving and I’m here.”

• [With a photo]: “I saw this [object] that reminded me of [Deceased Person or Pet] today. I’m here for you and thinking of you.”

• [On a grief anniversary like a death day or birthday]: “Just wanted to say: of course today is hard. I’m here.”

In conversation:

• “You’re not too much. Of course your grief is still close to the surface. It’s a big part of your life right now.”

• “You don’t have to explain anything. I’m here for all of it.”

• “Right now, it makes sense that things feel more difficult than they used to before [loss]. I’m here for this griefy version of you.”

• “I don’t need you to be okay. I just want you to know I’m staying.”

If You Think Words Are Important After a Loss, You’re Absolutely Right

When someone says “Sorry for your loss” once—and then never follows up—it sends a message:

“I acknowledge your grief... but I’m not willing to stay in it with you.”

Even if unintentional, that silence hurts.

But when someone says, “Of course this still hurts. I’m here. Right now.” months after the fact, it says something radically different:

“Your pain still matters. Your loss still matters. And so do you.”

Words like these can change a griever’s day. Used consistently, they can change your relationship. Used collectively, they can change our culture and the world.

That is the power of words in the face of grief!

Closing Thoughts: What You Say to Someone Grieving Matters

So, to the friend, the coworker, the sibling, the boss, the neighbor asking, “What do I say to someone grieving?”—here’s your answer:

Say: Of course. I’m here. Right now.

Say these phrases often. Practice saying them to yourself—then expand to your closest friends and family, coworkers, neighbors, strangers. Say versions of them in different configurations. Say them with the same level of compassion each time—whether for a lost toy or a loved one’s devastating loss. Say them so often that they become second nature.

Because words, when chosen with care, aren’t just empty sounds—”sticks and stones” that carry no weight.

Words are connection, companionship, and the foundational thread that keeps people close when grief threatens to push everyone apart.

Want more scripts and guidance like this?

My book Of Course I’m Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving is filled with simple, adaptable language to help you offer comfort that actually supports someone you care about—both right after a loss and long after the casseroles and flowers stop coming.

Because the way we talk about grief can either shut someone down… or carry them through.

Let’s choose the second one—together. 💚